Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
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“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.