My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
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There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
im all 3
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.