the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
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I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
classic mixup
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.