HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 馃槈
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
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Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it鈥檚 too hot outside.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
ME AT A PARTY: oh we鈥檝e met? i鈥檓 sorry i鈥檓 bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don鈥檛 have to ask.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i鈥檓 basically her scary father he鈥檚 forced to bond with to earn my respect
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I鈥檓 crying
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they鈥檙e pulling you over for something minor
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.