Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
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I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
When can I start eating bats again.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it