Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
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I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.