#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
You Might Also Like
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.