We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
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I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Personal question. #JustSaying
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Breaking news:
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat