“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
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Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Meow
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW