People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
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ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!