If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
You Might Also Like
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Animal poetry
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.