KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
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Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
titanic
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Fiction has to make sense.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]