My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
You Might Also Like
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.