*lint rolls you awake*
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Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I will never stop laughing at this
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.