Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
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Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.