*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
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[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
What do you hear?
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck