All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
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mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
“you recording!?”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”