told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
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white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
🤭😂
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
#CoronaOutbreak
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.