nyc:
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Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good