MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
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tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I like long walks away from everyone
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary