Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
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A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
the clam before the storm
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
A roof is a house hat.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.