Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
You Might Also Like
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
#SCOTUS one-star review
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!