App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
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CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that