Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
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this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Has there ever been a more American story?
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
🤣
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.