“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
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Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market