Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
This is no longer winter this is harassment
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.