Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
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Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
lol
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better