I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
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“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
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Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no