I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
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Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it