Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
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[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Terribly Tuesday.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.