me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
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“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.