“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
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Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
A choir of Spring onions
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?