I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
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16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic