Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
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Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Passwords are more important than ever.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
*limbos away from your hug*
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert