I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
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I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no