Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
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People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors