Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
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accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
*limbos away from your hug*
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Sing it!
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??