If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
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ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Can’t, holding a grudge
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.