*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
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My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
ok this is my dumbest yet
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”