I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
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I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro