I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
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Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
This meal prepping shit is easy
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
2 years later
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.