I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
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FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
describing stardew valley
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101