My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
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The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.