Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
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I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Body by Oreos
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”