How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
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waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
a public service announcement
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.