If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
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Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?