Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
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Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.