I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
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I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke