“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Where’s my employee discount too?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again