Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
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5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?